anyway hello. She has migrated to the gate entrances, as they seem the most vacated and spacious place of what she's found so far. Her clothes have been exchanged for a simple dress, and she wanders, hand on the glass as she slowly walks the perimeter.
Then suddenly, her pace halts. Her back may be turned to the inside but the sudden shake of her shoulders is unmistakeable, the way she brings up a second hand to the glass to brace.
Worst is the cacophony of emotion. Maybe that's the draw over here. It's blaring like a storm siren, sharp and hurt and frightened beyond measure. The girl herself makes scarcely a sound, her breath caught in her throat.]
oh boy. okay, well. vi is - still freaked out a little, but those emotions startle her, and for a second she thinks there's something really wrong. maybe it's aventurine, after his trip, losing his shit, or someone else getting memshared and traumatized or something, she doesn't know. but she instinctively goes towards the gates, towards the emotion, because as always she is someone who wants to fix things.
and then pauses, catching sight of rosamund. what she hopes is her. her own emotions are a garbled mess, but. she doesn't leave. just waits, because she's in rosamund's line of sight.
there's a lot of things she's never worked through, while being here. ]
[Rosamund may have her back turned, but the feedback runs both ways. When she turns, she finds the source.
She freezes in place, eyes owlishly wide. Thoughts flicker at the speed of light and feelings fight to catch up. Complicated, panicked, stretched to the limit.]
...Are you really here?
[spoken in a small, frightful whisper. Barely enough to cross the distance.]
[ a beat. a whirlwind of emotions go through her, but then - she seems to think of something. a conversation, maybe. a reinforcement. her emotions settle into something more simple. tired. and she pulls her hands out of the jacket she's wearing - a black leather jacket with dark pink accents - and holds them out. palms up, careful, like trying to calm a skittish animal. ]
Yeah, it's really me. I don't know how I can prove it, but.
[Rosamund remains squared against the window. Her legs may have been fixed but they feel distinctly jellyish all of a sudden.]
No...no you don't have prove anything, I just...um. [There's a wave of hurt. Guilt, grief, terror, what have you. Rosamund's eyes flick to the jacket and there's a little ping, too small and soft to be identified.] I didn't know for sure if I was...which side I was...um.
[She flinches. Covers her face and turns more into the window. To one of the broad bars holding it up, actually, thick as a pillar. She takes refuge there like a child hiding in a corner, the unmistakable sound of barely restrained sobs cutting her off.]
Sorry, j-just a moment. I'm. I'm, um... [she takes a breath.] I'll be fine. I'll be fine, just a sec, okay?
[ bluntly, but. she stays where she is, hands still out because she doesn't necessarily expect rosamund to come to her but she wants her to know that she doesn't intend to hurt her. no weapons, no violence. there's a sense of empathy, of something concerned. the barely restrained sobs are upsetting.
and then, a little softer: ]
You don't have to be fine. Waking up dead is a nightmare, I get it. [ ... ] I can go, if you don't want to see me yet. I can go get Strohl.
[Well. Yeah. There was nowhere else she could be, really.]
No. No, don't go, it's all right. I'll talk to Strohl later. [Which gives her a separate pang, something fraught and longing. It's only been a week and everyone knows they might get them all back at the end, but there's no erasing the hurt of losing people.
It helps, though. Vi's own output. Rosamund can find it easier to steel herself now. She's died before, many times. It's the circumstances surrounding this one that make her want to scream. She turns at last, cheeks a little wet even after she's wiped them, working consciously to keep her breathing and voice even. She looks to Vi, and there's a bit of sheepishness, now, too.]
I did want to speak with you, very much, and I know it either would have been because I'd died horribly or you came back, but, I just...on a Thursday? People die on these trips, I know, but I've never...but didn't know you could die from them, not outside shorter games...
[She swallows.]
You look very nice, by the way. [Biting her lip.] Did...are Rin and Maya?
[please don't say it.]
Edited (remembered she knew this actually) 2025-07-11 16:39 (UTC)
They're fine. They're still on the other side, don't worry.
[ first, before anything else. rin and maya are fine, she wants rosamund to know that much. once rosamund's looked at her, vi brings her hands back in and shoves them back into her jacket. nothing hiding, nothing terrible, she's just here, letting rosamund call the shots.
a beat, then: ]
Yeah, I didn't know it could happen either, outside of our rounds. But it's not terrible over here. Worst that's going to happen is you have to watch people live without you.
I'm a little jealous. I'd probably look like I was a kid playing dress up if I tried something like that.
[But Vi embodies the attitude needed. Even when vulnerable, even when low. Inexorably charming. Cool.
It would be nice if they could stick to niceties, wouldn't it? Rosamund grimaces, then gestures to one of the seats.]
If you'd like to talk, maybe it would be easier to take a seat rather than stand across the room from each other? [A pause, spark of dread.] Though — if I start sounding strange, just leave. Walk away and come for me later. I think...the thing that took hold of me over there...some trace of it's lingering.
[ she's been referred to as charming like three or four times this week and it's so funny. anyway, she looks... slightly hesitant? but she'll take a step forward. ]
Don't worry for a second about that, I want nothing to do with whatever that was.
[ another step forward, and then - she just makes her way over to the seats, hunched up, defensive. she's trying to look unaffected, but she is very clearly watching rosamund with the type of energy a cornered dog might.
she'll throw herself down and sprawl, the picture of a punk. ]
[But it doesn't work that way, does it? Three times now. At what point does it stop being tragic and start being funny? She'd drag herself into a grave, if the only graves around here weren't five storey airports.
The movement doesn't escape her. She's no expert on people — puts her foot in it oh-so-often, especially in these places — but this is all animal instinct. Fear-based behaviour. Distrust. Things you do around a resting predator.
She can't pretend her heart doesn't sink. Not when Vi can feel it. But she can compose herself. Rosamund touches a hand to her face, checking that she's cleared her eyes and under her cheeks, sniffs a little. Curb the worst of it. She moves to sit too, but takes up a safe diagonal, two seats down from the one across Vi. Far out of arms reach. A headstart, if Vi needs it.
She puts her hands in her lap, sitting primly, as if her face weren't still pink from the threatened fit. Crisis averted, for now.]
Well. I think it's only fair that if you want to, you should go first? It's been a couple of weeks and there's only so much to be said in letters. Texts, sorry. So...I'll listen.
[ she's... trying, very hard, to not be aggressive or brutal. and from her perspective, whether it's true or not - she doesn't like watching rosamund shoving down all her emotions about dying to pat her ass. mostly, she hates this, the awkwardness and the politeness.
vi's neither of those things. she's bad at having a civil conversation, always has been. ]
Do we have to do this like it's some - session? [ she says, grimacing. ] I don't have some flowery speech prepared. You killed me and it wasn't on purpose. You already said you're sorry.
[ ... ]
What do you want to hear, princess? That I wanted you to die to bring me back? Because you should know I would've punched you if you'd offered.
No, that's not — I don't expect a speech or anything. Really.
[And for things like this, sorry doesn't cut it. Or there wouldn't be all this crackling tension between their seats.
It snaps when Vi deals her next uppercut. Rosamund inhales sharp through her nose. The punch comes through as if it were physical, straight to her gut. The sharpness of her shame has a potent reek to it. Soured by the nightmare she'd just crawled out of.]
I didn't think you wanted that. [Said quickly, breathlessly.] I didn't — and it wasn't just about bringing you back. It was trying to find a way to fix what happened to you all.
Strohl told me. How you tried to go home with them, and weren't able to. If I could...find a way, to give that chance back to you? I wanted to try. But I couldn't open the case. Not to save the team from elimination, or to grab something that might help you.
It was a stupid idea. And it wasn't fair to any of you. I just...in the moment, when I realized I might have something to offer, I thought I should...
[ there's like - this distant feeling from vi, because it's not so much a feeling as it is a physical sensation, but it works over into her emotions. she has a really, really horrible headache, and the combination of that and anxiety and... a little bit of nausea, maybe, is making it harder for her to act composed.
she feels that shame, and brings a hand up to rub at her forehead. ]
Stop.
[ looks over at her. ]
When I asked, I was just curious because we'd been talking about who got possessed and who didn't. You don't have to fix shit. And you shouldn't have asked Strohl to kill you. He wasn't ever going to, not for me or anybody.
[ ... ] Anders said, before, that you got wronged, too. And he's right.
It sucks. This has not been fun. I hate being here, I want to be on the other side. But it's not anything that either of us can change and I'm over being mad at you because it just feels like kicking a fucking puppy at this point.
[She does stop. Doesn't feel comfortable continuing to speak. And sure, maybe she looks something like a kicked puppy by now, but it does strike against something hard and bitter at the center of her.]
I'd been...angry. That people were so gracious with me. I think I still was. Because sure, we both were wronged, but there was nowhere to focus it and there was no action or ritual or anything to make it feel like I could put it behind me. I didn't get voted for last time either, but I took things into my own hands. [She is sounding progressively more hollowed. Perhaps exhaustion is taking its toll. Maybe echoes of Vi's own headache are coming to her. Or maybe, it's just remembering the wretched walk to the Eudora's simulation room and what happened after saps her spirit every time she revisits it.] There wasn't hope of recovering, then. So I got to face Diluc right away, and we could reconcile.
This time I just...kept going. And letters and kind words didn't help with anything. I told someone that I wouldn't ask you if there was anything I could do to atone, because that would be putting the responsibility of clearing my conscience on you. It wouldn't have been fair.
But then, after...talking to Strohl, and him turning me down, I'd asked Susato if there was any other way to guarantee we could get you the power to go wherever you like, when this is over. I told her about my other plan, and she was very frank with me. She said that maybe my feelings of guilt are my own, and have little to do with you at all. And that proposing we try for a prize in that case was a disservice to you in the first place.
...Moreover, she told me that if I couldn't forgive myself, then the empathy I've been offering everyone else rings hollow. [Her fingers crook into her legs then. Her gaze is fixed to the floor.] As mortifying as it was to consider, I think she's right about that too. I don't want people like Rin or Boothill to doubt themselves, either.
So, I still have an apology to give you. And that's for putting the weight of my feelings on you, even when I'd said I wouldn't. When I believed I wasn't. I'm sorry that I proposed such an awful thing and pretended like it was all for your own good, when really? I think I was trying to find a way to prove I could...make up for what I'd done to you.
I've been trying very hard to be noble and do the right thing, and it's led me down the wrong path. [Strangely, now she smiles. Laughs a little.] What's that saying again? The road to hell is paved with good intentions?
[ she listens easily enough, though she doesn't look this time. instead, she looks down at her wrists, rubbing at them absently, digging her fingers in. ]
Yeah, I guess so. I don't know, I don't entirely agree with Susato on that. I'm not so fucking noble that I'll sit here and be like yeah, it's sooo awful of you to try and find a way to bring me back because you feel bad you did it. You're not some machine that pumps out squeaky clean morality and justice, princess. You don't need to be.
[ a deep breath. a slow exhale. ]
I talked to Roxana about this, actually. About what I'd do if someone killed to bring me back, and what I told her is that I'd hate to be exchanged like that. [ she doesn't deserve it, anyway. ] But fuck, if it wouldn't feel good to know that someone cared enough about me to do it.
[ she takes a long moment to gather the rest of her thoughts, leg bouncing. the emotional vibe here is just - anxious. not in a fear way, but in that sort of way where you're anticipating being in trouble. like you're always doing something wrong, and you're just waiting for someone to lecture you on it. nothing you do is right, nothing you choose is ever right. you're always going to say the wrong thing and make everything worse. ]
I guess in this case it wouldn't have been because you cared about me specifically, just that you wanted to fix something bad you did. [ ... ] So. Road to hell, yeah. But it's not like I blame you. I don't think I'd be any better in this situation.
[And here, there's a wistful squeeze to her chest. Sorrow of a less self-flagellating nature.]
I meant what I said in my letter to you. Text. [Rosamund purses her lips.] I think what hurt the worst of all was...out of anyone here, the person I found that night was the one who'd made me the happiest so far.
I may not have had the chance to know you as well as everyone else. And maybe I never will, even now. But it gutted me that it had to be you.
actually makes vi groan, in just a like... helplessly amused sort of way, the way you can only really laugh when everything is stupid and you don't know what to do about it. a beat. ]
God, Rosamund, don't - say that. [ scrubs at her face. the emotions are just conflicted and slightly embarrassed. ]
Look. Obviously it - it's complicated now, and I don't think you - well, I know you didn't mean it that way. But you're fucking oblivious if you didn't see how into you I was before all this.
[ sucks in a breath, exhales it out. looks over at her, wryly: ]
And then you blew me into pieces with a shotgun, so you know. That put a fucking damper on things.
[She's. More than a little stunned. Colour flushes her cheeks for the first time since she's come back from the dead. Embarrassment comes to the fore now, turned inward, and a little click of something else.]
...I'm. Well. I try not to assume those kinds of things anymore? [Especially not with women, which is probably something she should have questioned a little earlier. She covers her mouth with dainty fingers, head ducking a little, curls coming to shelter the sides of her face.] I've had really, really rotten luck and everything's a mess, but I wouldn't say that it was, like. You know. Entirely platonic for me, either.
...Shotguns do put a damper on things though. Yes. [She takes another shaking breath and covers her eyes now as she winces in full.] Things just...keep happening. To the people I try to love. I barely know what it really is, frankly. So yeah, oblivious. A bit.
Insane. You're insane, person I found that night made me the happiest so far she says, like that doesn't kick a girl on her ass.
[ huff. and then, a little more seriously: ]
Sorry, I know that's a hell of a thing to put on you. No expectations. You just died. I've been dead. I don't even know how I feel any more, it's -
[ she shifts to face rosamund, and they're a couple seats separated, but that suits her fine just for now. she's feeling a jumble of emotions, anxiety pulled and stretched like taffy, embarrassment, and an underlying feeling of something less miserable and destroyed and more... looking forward. not hope. but something positive. ]
I've been working on pulling apart how I feel. How much I'm mad at you and how much I'm mad at just the fact that I'm dead. Like how you said, right, when you went to talk to Susato. Splitting that up. And... I don't think I'm really all that angry at you.
[ she brings a hand up and pushes her hair out of her face. ]
How about this. We get to know each other. For real this time.
The shift in tone is so cataclysmically relieving, she's laughing a little herself. Glad to be the butt of the joke if it helps cut this strangling tension. Rosamund pushes her hair back out of the way and regards Vi with her bottom lip between her teeth. Still nervous, even now. Still fighting that wretched, looming dread beneath it all, unable to shake the last 24hrs and handful of years she's been made to endure.
But she's feeling a bit better now. Even a bit hopeful herself. It sounds like they had to go through parallel journeys with it, separating their feelings]
...I'd really like that, actually. I'd like that very much. No expectations either, all right?
[She hesitates.]
Just. Give me a day or two. I need to make sure She's gone.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
W5 THURSDAY
anyway hello. She has migrated to the gate entrances, as they seem the most vacated and spacious place of what she's found so far. Her clothes have been exchanged for a simple dress, and she wanders, hand on the glass as she slowly walks the perimeter.
Then suddenly, her pace halts. Her back may be turned to the inside but the sudden shake of her shoulders is unmistakeable, the way she brings up a second hand to the glass to brace.
Worst is the cacophony of emotion. Maybe that's the draw over here. It's blaring like a storm siren, sharp and hurt and frightened beyond measure. The girl herself makes scarcely a sound, her breath caught in her throat.]
no subject
oh boy. okay, well. vi is - still freaked out a little, but those emotions startle her, and for a second she thinks there's something really wrong. maybe it's aventurine, after his trip, losing his shit, or someone else getting memshared and traumatized or something, she doesn't know. but she instinctively goes towards the gates, towards the emotion, because as always she is someone who wants to fix things.
and then pauses, catching sight of rosamund. what she hopes is her. her own emotions are a garbled mess, but. she doesn't leave. just waits, because she's in rosamund's line of sight.
there's a lot of things she's never worked through, while being here. ]
no subject
She freezes in place, eyes owlishly wide. Thoughts flicker at the speed of light and feelings fight to catch up. Complicated, panicked, stretched to the limit.]
...Are you really here?
[spoken in a small, frightful whisper. Barely enough to cross the distance.]
no subject
[ a beat. a whirlwind of emotions go through her, but then - she seems to think of something. a conversation, maybe. a reinforcement. her emotions settle into something more simple. tired. and she pulls her hands out of the jacket she's wearing - a black leather jacket with dark pink accents - and holds them out. palms up, careful, like trying to calm a skittish animal. ]
Yeah, it's really me. I don't know how I can prove it, but.
[ ... ]
Hey, princess.
no subject
[Rosamund remains squared against the window. Her legs may have been fixed but they feel distinctly jellyish all of a sudden.]
No...no you don't have prove anything, I just...um. [There's a wave of hurt. Guilt, grief, terror, what have you. Rosamund's eyes flick to the jacket and there's a little ping, too small and soft to be identified.] I didn't know for sure if I was...which side I was...um.
[She flinches. Covers her face and turns more into the window. To one of the broad bars holding it up, actually, thick as a pillar. She takes refuge there like a child hiding in a corner, the unmistakable sound of barely restrained sobs cutting her off.]
Sorry, j-just a moment. I'm. I'm, um... [she takes a breath.] I'll be fine. I'll be fine, just a sec, okay?
no subject
[ bluntly, but. she stays where she is, hands still out because she doesn't necessarily expect rosamund to come to her but she wants her to know that she doesn't intend to hurt her. no weapons, no violence. there's a sense of empathy, of something concerned. the barely restrained sobs are upsetting.
and then, a little softer: ]
You don't have to be fine. Waking up dead is a nightmare, I get it. [ ... ] I can go, if you don't want to see me yet. I can go get Strohl.
no subject
[Well. Yeah. There was nowhere else she could be, really.]
No. No, don't go, it's all right. I'll talk to Strohl later. [Which gives her a separate pang, something fraught and longing. It's only been a week and everyone knows they might get them all back at the end, but there's no erasing the hurt of losing people.
It helps, though. Vi's own output. Rosamund can find it easier to steel herself now. She's died before, many times. It's the circumstances surrounding this one that make her want to scream. She turns at last, cheeks a little wet even after she's wiped them, working consciously to keep her breathing and voice even. She looks to Vi, and there's a bit of sheepishness, now, too.]
I did want to speak with you, very much, and I know it either would have been because I'd died horribly or you came back, but, I just...on a Thursday? People die on these trips, I know, but I've never...but didn't know you could die from them, not outside shorter games...
[She swallows.]
You look very nice, by the way. [Biting her lip.] Did...are Rin and Maya?
[please don't say it.]
no subject
[ first, before anything else. rin and maya are fine, she wants rosamund to know that much. once rosamund's looked at her, vi brings her hands back in and shoves them back into her jacket. nothing hiding, nothing terrible, she's just here, letting rosamund call the shots.
a beat, then: ]
Yeah, I didn't know it could happen either, outside of our rounds. But it's not terrible over here. Worst that's going to happen is you have to watch people live without you.
[ ... ]
Thanks, by the way. One of my favorite jackets.
no subject
[But Vi embodies the attitude needed. Even when vulnerable, even when low. Inexorably charming. Cool.
It would be nice if they could stick to niceties, wouldn't it? Rosamund grimaces, then gestures to one of the seats.]
If you'd like to talk, maybe it would be easier to take a seat rather than stand across the room from each other? [A pause, spark of dread.] Though — if I start sounding strange, just leave. Walk away and come for me later. I think...the thing that took hold of me over there...some trace of it's lingering.
[Her jaw sets tight.]
I don't want her anywhere near you.
no subject
Don't worry for a second about that, I want nothing to do with whatever that was.
[ another step forward, and then - she just makes her way over to the seats, hunched up, defensive. she's trying to look unaffected, but she is very clearly watching rosamund with the type of energy a cornered dog might.
she'll throw herself down and sprawl, the picture of a punk. ]
We can talk, if you're in the mindset.
no subject
You and me both.
[But it doesn't work that way, does it? Three times now. At what point does it stop being tragic and start being funny? She'd drag herself into a grave, if the only graves around here weren't five storey airports.
The movement doesn't escape her. She's no expert on people — puts her foot in it oh-so-often, especially in these places — but this is all animal instinct. Fear-based behaviour. Distrust. Things you do around a resting predator.
She can't pretend her heart doesn't sink. Not when Vi can feel it. But she can compose herself. Rosamund touches a hand to her face, checking that she's cleared her eyes and under her cheeks, sniffs a little. Curb the worst of it. She moves to sit too, but takes up a safe diagonal, two seats down from the one across Vi. Far out of arms reach. A headstart, if Vi needs it.
She puts her hands in her lap, sitting primly, as if her face weren't still pink from the threatened fit. Crisis averted, for now.]
Well. I think it's only fair that if you want to, you should go first? It's been a couple of weeks and there's only so much to be said in letters. Texts, sorry. So...I'll listen.
no subject
vi's neither of those things. she's bad at having a civil conversation, always has been. ]
Do we have to do this like it's some - session? [ she says, grimacing. ] I don't have some flowery speech prepared. You killed me and it wasn't on purpose. You already said you're sorry.
[ ... ]
What do you want to hear, princess? That I wanted you to die to bring me back? Because you should know I would've punched you if you'd offered.
no subject
[And for things like this, sorry doesn't cut it. Or there wouldn't be all this crackling tension between their seats.
It snaps when Vi deals her next uppercut. Rosamund inhales sharp through her nose. The punch comes through as if it were physical, straight to her gut. The sharpness of her shame has a potent reek to it. Soured by the nightmare she'd just crawled out of.]
I didn't think you wanted that. [Said quickly, breathlessly.] I didn't — and it wasn't just about bringing you back. It was trying to find a way to fix what happened to you all.
Strohl told me. How you tried to go home with them, and weren't able to. If I could...find a way, to give that chance back to you? I wanted to try. But I couldn't open the case. Not to save the team from elimination, or to grab something that might help you.
It was a stupid idea. And it wasn't fair to any of you. I just...in the moment, when I realized I might have something to offer, I thought I should...
[She trails off, swallowing hard.]
no subject
she feels that shame, and brings a hand up to rub at her forehead. ]
Stop.
[ looks over at her. ]
When I asked, I was just curious because we'd been talking about who got possessed and who didn't. You don't have to fix shit. And you shouldn't have asked Strohl to kill you. He wasn't ever going to, not for me or anybody.
[ ... ] Anders said, before, that you got wronged, too. And he's right.
It sucks. This has not been fun. I hate being here, I want to be on the other side. But it's not anything that either of us can change and I'm over being mad at you because it just feels like kicking a fucking puppy at this point.
CW: suicide mention
[She does stop. Doesn't feel comfortable continuing to speak. And sure, maybe she looks something like a kicked puppy by now, but it does strike against something hard and bitter at the center of her.]
I'd been...angry. That people were so gracious with me. I think I still was. Because sure, we both were wronged, but there was nowhere to focus it and there was no action or ritual or anything to make it feel like I could put it behind me. I didn't get voted for last time either, but I took things into my own hands. [She is sounding progressively more hollowed. Perhaps exhaustion is taking its toll. Maybe echoes of Vi's own headache are coming to her. Or maybe, it's just remembering the wretched walk to the Eudora's simulation room and what happened after saps her spirit every time she revisits it.] There wasn't hope of recovering, then. So I got to face Diluc right away, and we could reconcile.
This time I just...kept going. And letters and kind words didn't help with anything. I told someone that I wouldn't ask you if there was anything I could do to atone, because that would be putting the responsibility of clearing my conscience on you. It wouldn't have been fair.
But then, after...talking to Strohl, and him turning me down, I'd asked Susato if there was any other way to guarantee we could get you the power to go wherever you like, when this is over. I told her about my other plan, and she was very frank with me. She said that maybe my feelings of guilt are my own, and have little to do with you at all. And that proposing we try for a prize in that case was a disservice to you in the first place.
...Moreover, she told me that if I couldn't forgive myself, then the empathy I've been offering everyone else rings hollow. [Her fingers crook into her legs then. Her gaze is fixed to the floor.] As mortifying as it was to consider, I think she's right about that too. I don't want people like Rin or Boothill to doubt themselves, either.
So, I still have an apology to give you. And that's for putting the weight of my feelings on you, even when I'd said I wouldn't. When I believed I wasn't. I'm sorry that I proposed such an awful thing and pretended like it was all for your own good, when really? I think I was trying to find a way to prove I could...make up for what I'd done to you.
I've been trying very hard to be noble and do the right thing, and it's led me down the wrong path. [Strangely, now she smiles. Laughs a little.] What's that saying again? The road to hell is paved with good intentions?
no subject
Yeah, I guess so. I don't know, I don't entirely agree with Susato on that. I'm not so fucking noble that I'll sit here and be like yeah, it's sooo awful of you to try and find a way to bring me back because you feel bad you did it. You're not some machine that pumps out squeaky clean morality and justice, princess. You don't need to be.
[ a deep breath. a slow exhale. ]
I talked to Roxana about this, actually. About what I'd do if someone killed to bring me back, and what I told her is that I'd hate to be exchanged like that. [ she doesn't deserve it, anyway. ] But fuck, if it wouldn't feel good to know that someone cared enough about me to do it.
[ she takes a long moment to gather the rest of her thoughts, leg bouncing. the emotional vibe here is just - anxious. not in a fear way, but in that sort of way where you're anticipating being in trouble. like you're always doing something wrong, and you're just waiting for someone to lecture you on it. nothing you do is right, nothing you choose is ever right. you're always going to say the wrong thing and make everything worse. ]
I guess in this case it wouldn't have been because you cared about me specifically, just that you wanted to fix something bad you did. [ ... ] So. Road to hell, yeah. But it's not like I blame you. I don't think I'd be any better in this situation.
no subject
[And here, there's a wistful squeeze to her chest. Sorrow of a less self-flagellating nature.]
I meant what I said in my letter to you. Text. [Rosamund purses her lips.] I think what hurt the worst of all was...out of anyone here, the person I found that night was the one who'd made me the happiest so far.
I may not have had the chance to know you as well as everyone else. And maybe I never will, even now. But it gutted me that it had to be you.
no subject
actually makes vi groan, in just a like... helplessly amused sort of way, the way you can only really laugh when everything is stupid and you don't know what to do about it. a beat. ]
God, Rosamund, don't - say that. [ scrubs at her face. the emotions are just conflicted and slightly embarrassed. ]
no subject
Okay well she goes squirrelly for slightly less depressing reasons now.]
I'm sorry? I'm just being honest.
no subject
[ wheezes. a beat, and then, laughing into her hands with a touch of hysteria: ]
You're so oblivious it kills me. [ ... ] Literally, I guess.
[ BAD JOKE ]
no subject
Vi? [Blinks twice. Then turns a little more her way, looking a bit hapless and desperate.] Then tell me! I can't know what I don't know!
no subject
Look. Obviously it - it's complicated now, and I don't think you - well, I know you didn't mean it that way. But you're fucking oblivious if you didn't see how into you I was before all this.
[ sucks in a breath, exhales it out. looks over at her, wryly: ]
And then you blew me into pieces with a shotgun, so you know. That put a fucking damper on things.
no subject
...I'm. Well. I try not to assume those kinds of things anymore? [Especially not with women, which is probably something she should have questioned a little earlier. She covers her mouth with dainty fingers, head ducking a little, curls coming to shelter the sides of her face.] I've had really, really rotten luck and everything's a mess, but I wouldn't say that it was, like. You know. Entirely platonic for me, either.
...Shotguns do put a damper on things though. Yes. [She takes another shaking breath and covers her eyes now as she winces in full.] Things just...keep happening. To the people I try to love. I barely know what it really is, frankly. So yeah, oblivious. A bit.
no subject
Insane. You're insane, person I found that night made me the happiest so far she says, like that doesn't kick a girl on her ass.
[ huff. and then, a little more seriously: ]
Sorry, I know that's a hell of a thing to put on you. No expectations. You just died. I've been dead. I don't even know how I feel any more, it's -
[ she shifts to face rosamund, and they're a couple seats separated, but that suits her fine just for now. she's feeling a jumble of emotions, anxiety pulled and stretched like taffy, embarrassment, and an underlying feeling of something less miserable and destroyed and more... looking forward. not hope. but something positive. ]
I've been working on pulling apart how I feel. How much I'm mad at you and how much I'm mad at just the fact that I'm dead. Like how you said, right, when you went to talk to Susato. Splitting that up. And... I don't think I'm really all that angry at you.
[ she brings a hand up and pushes her hair out of her face. ]
How about this. We get to know each other. For real this time.
no subject
Friends can make you happy too!
[HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF OHANA!!!!!!
The shift in tone is so cataclysmically relieving, she's laughing a little herself. Glad to be the butt of the joke if it helps cut this strangling tension. Rosamund pushes her hair back out of the way and regards Vi with her bottom lip between her teeth. Still nervous, even now. Still fighting that wretched, looming dread beneath it all, unable to shake the last 24hrs and handful of years she's been made to endure.
But she's feeling a bit better now. Even a bit hopeful herself. It sounds like they had to go through parallel journeys with it, separating their feelings]
...I'd really like that, actually. I'd like that very much. No expectations either, all right?
[She hesitates.]
Just. Give me a day or two. I need to make sure She's gone.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)