[ her emotions reflect that pretty well. like i said in the thread with rosamund it is a good thing that strohl talked vi through everything on monday because the conversation would have been VERY different if he hadn't. ]
She told me she was sorry for killing me and for trying to ask you to kill her in exchange for me. And she said that she knew it came off like she was trying to absolve herself of guilt instead of actually doing something she thought I might want.
... We're okay. Promised to get to know each other.
she'll feel it in his too - there's a sense of relief as she talks, and then a just. a very deep warmth, the kind you have to have when people you care for take those steps forward to talk to each other, a faint twist of fondness.
strohl taps her on the nose with the unchewed end of the pen. ]
I thought a face to face conversation might help. [ because that's sometimes what you need - the chance to speak, vulnerable and emotional, just like they'd needed, too. it fixes things, to bare your heart. ] Told you so.
[ bats at the pen, but. she's relieved, too, really. ]
She looked like a kicked puppy the whole time. [ vi grumbles, but her emotions give her away - it really just made her feel bad to see rosamund like that, rather than angry or vindictive or satisfied. she's not sure she has forgiven her yet, and she's not sure she ever will entirely, but it's... a start. ]
I guess it's just. I'm not mad at her. I'm mad I'm dead.
[ she's mad for the circumstances. it's not rosamund's fault, it's this place. ]
[ noooo... that relieved feeling stays, warm and soft, and there's something underscoring it - determination, too. ]
Sounds like we're all on the same page. [ because it's the damn place. it's the same conclusion strohl had to come to - he spent a week furious with rosamund and ignoring her entirely, and once he had time to grapple with it, he was able to move past it when they spoke. he's had that luxury, and he wasn't the victim in the situation the way vi was - even more important, even more prescient, that they were finally able to make the true steps to amends. ]
[ exhaustedly. right now she's not even feeling the vengeance, she just wants to leave. the horse can have it's dumb house if it means they get to go. ]
[ there's something rising in his own emotions - anxiety, gently churning. the feeling of his inner wheels moving. ]
... Last time, time simply paused. Will didn't even know we were gone. I hope that the same is happening now, but if it isn't...
[ there's a swoop of dread, worry, and the anxiety twists, mixed with a thread of trust and belief, but. strohl bites his lip, for a moment, worrying at the edge of it. ]
... Vi. [ he starts. how to have this conversation? it's important. necessary, but they've not had the chance until now, and as things become more and more likely to succeed, as their plan begins to come to slow fruition, it's been on the back of his mind. so much has happened. where does he even start?
... ] I...ought to warn you that things aren't exactly going well, at home. It's likely we'll be thrown straight from the frying pan into the fire, should all things go accordingly.
...Yeah. [ eventually. roughly. she can probably feel it - he is really, really trying to figure out how to say this, faltering. opening his mouth and closing it, really working through it. he wants to tell her. ] I'll be frank, there's - a chance I...
[ hey did you know she's GOING TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
they come out of the memory and after she blinks away the fog - the tears forming at the corner of her eyes - she immediately pulls herself up to sit and decks him. whether it's the face or the chest where his stupid noble heart is, it's up to you, but the burst of fury and worry and love is all jumbled into one adrenaline shot. this is! so much worse! than she was expecting! ]
[ THE FUNNIEST WOULD BE HIS FACE just a fading black eye for tomorrow
anyway yeah there's absolutely no fucking way he's dodging that - nor would he really want to. he takes the hit like a tank, half falling back against the edge of the pillow fort with a loud swear, his other hand immediately coming up to his face. his emotions throughout this were complex, pained, complicated, and as he reels back from the hit, they're -
well, kind of understanding. like. that's fair, i deserved that. he can't help himself with running his mouth so he mutters, ] ... Suppose that's one way to put that out into the world.
[ ow.
anyway he knows he's going to get shouted at so he doesn't even stop that either there is ZERO point in arguing about it, so let him have it ]
[ indignant, immediately, with a burst of his usual anger, he defends - ] Of course I did! I was full planning on telling you, long before this place started leaking our memories everywhere, but we didn't exactly have time, all things considered!
[ always time, always time. vi was gone so quickly. after their jaunt on the gauntlet runner in simulations, he'd been thinking about it, and wanted to break it to her after the weekends events, only - that weekend, it was vi on the table once again, and everything spiralled from there. vi barely wanted to talk about the idea that she could be leaving with them. on top of that, there were a thousand other things to cover, too. her murder, the issues with rosamund, how afraid she was of being abandoned, it just never came up, even though the latter, he knows, will be made worse here.
he holds up both his hands in surrender even after that anger burst though, because he is apologetic and willing to take all of the heat, especially with the worry that leaks through. ]
Look. I've been thinking - it'll be fine. I don't think I'm going to die.
[ this is a marked change in what he told someone else who saw this same memory a few weeks ago, but - well, he feels a little differently about his noble sacrifices, lately. ]
[ they're the same in so many things. their anger comes from care, from love, from the desire to protect. she's pissed because she loves him, and she wants him to be safe.
they didn't have the time. it's the source of all of her problems, she just doesn't ever have enough time. she has missed so much. he was planning to tell her, but she died, and then she was so sure that she wasn't going to be able to go back with them - she's still not sure. she wants to, but nobody has an answer. nobody has a promise, and really, even then, they can promise all they want but in the end, if it doesn't happen, it'll kill her. so she can't hope. she really shouldn't hope, she shouldn't promise.
god, really, again - it's a good thing magla isn't a problem here because her anxiety is such a problem, her restlessness is just. getting to her. it comes out as something snarled and upset, and she has to take a second to swallow hard and push the burn of tears away again. she's not a crybaby, she won't cry about this. she can't hope, but she can't just let him go, either, so...
so instead, fiercely: ]
Yeah, you're goddamn right. You're not going to die.
[ because she'll be there, and she's not going to let him. ]
[ in the face of all that emotion - his own are unsteady, too, but he locks onto that phrase. you're not going to die. i'm not going to die. he's got his own uncertainties. there's the fact that basilio and heismay were just as badly wounded. the fact that heismay is so small despite his ability to glide. strohl is not a light and delicate young man. there's the fact that he was plummeting, too, doomed to his death and his noble sacrifice, like his parents before him.
but.
things are changing. he wants to see the future, the world they've fought for. and he wants vi to see it, too. so, he locks onto that steadiness, and catches her eyes.
[ this is something she can do. she can't fix anything at home, she can't help her sister, she can't help caitlyn. that entire situation will never work out the way she wants it to. but this - this is concrete. all of this time she's been wrestling with the guilt of being caught in a tight spot, how she couldn't think of something that would save everybody. but here? here. in this memory, she thinks if she was standing there, she could catch him. she could do something about it.
and it's really what makes the decision for her. if she wasn't sure before, she is now.
so - vi takes his hand, and meets his gaze with a certainty she hasn't had before. ]
anyway. admittedly, there's a brief bit of hangtime here, a brief - hesitation, a moment where things could go either way. strohl knows what answer he'd like to hear, but with this final, necessary truth set between them, it could go either way. is he not making more promises he could so easily break?
but the answer that comes is so assured and confident that it makes his heart soar. and despite the fact that he got punched just five seconds ago, despite the fact he was face to face with his own death once again, (maybe?) it puts a grin on his face. ]
... Good. [ and he'll take her hand, and squeeze it hard, projecting back that exact same emotional security, that certainty, that warmth, as the anxiety melts to a low simmer. ] Then I'll be fine.
[ it's a leap of faith, in the most literal sense. in the way that vi showed him her back, in the resort, it's strohl falling, falling, falling, and knowing she'll be right there to catch him. some part of him wonders if that'll be strong enough to force that awakening, after all. ]
[ it could be a disaster. it could be one more broken promise, but at this point - at this point, if she gives over and allows herself to want something, she will just have to make it true. she's so sick of being miserable. she wants to fix things.
so. he takes her hand, squeezes it. and she swallows hard, watching him. there's a future for her where she can stop her family from falling out of her grasp. there's a future where that doesn't have to happen again. there is a future where she sees the thing that drives her the most - the people she loves - get hurt, and she'll be able to help, in a solid, feasible way.
she really might awaken then and there after all. ]
... Still mad at you for not telling me right away, but yeah. You'll be fine.
[ this is not as serious. lightens the mood a little. ]
...I've a feeling I'm going to be making this up to you for weeks.
[ strohl says, with a sigh, overdramatic as he pulls his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose - there's something so soft and thankful in his emotions, there, too. something proud, something warm, something understanding. together or not at all, all the way to the end. ]
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no subject
How'd that go?
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[ her emotions reflect that pretty well. like i said in the thread with rosamund it is a good thing that strohl talked vi through everything on monday because the conversation would have been VERY different if he hadn't. ]
She told me she was sorry for killing me and for trying to ask you to kill her in exchange for me. And she said that she knew it came off like she was trying to absolve herself of guilt instead of actually doing something she thought I might want.
... We're okay. Promised to get to know each other.
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she'll feel it in his too - there's a sense of relief as she talks, and then a just. a very deep warmth, the kind you have to have when people you care for take those steps forward to talk to each other, a faint twist of fondness.
strohl taps her on the nose with the unchewed end of the pen. ]
I thought a face to face conversation might help. [ because that's sometimes what you need - the chance to speak, vulnerable and emotional, just like they'd needed, too. it fixes things, to bare your heart. ] Told you so.
... I'm glad to hear it. Truly, I am.
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She looked like a kicked puppy the whole time. [ vi grumbles, but her emotions give her away - it really just made her feel bad to see rosamund like that, rather than angry or vindictive or satisfied. she's not sure she has forgiven her yet, and she's not sure she ever will entirely, but it's... a start. ]
I guess it's just. I'm not mad at her. I'm mad I'm dead.
[ she's mad for the circumstances. it's not rosamund's fault, it's this place. ]
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Sounds like we're all on the same page. [ because it's the damn place. it's the same conclusion strohl had to come to - he spent a week furious with rosamund and ignoring her entirely, and once he had time to grapple with it, he was able to move past it when they spoke. he's had that luxury, and he wasn't the victim in the situation the way vi was - even more important, even more prescient, that they were finally able to make the true steps to amends. ]
Even more reason to be glad to burn it all down.
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I can't wait to get out of here.
[ exhaustedly. right now she's not even feeling the vengeance, she just wants to leave. the horse can have it's dumb house if it means they get to go. ]
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[ there's something rising in his own emotions - anxiety, gently churning. the feeling of his inner wheels moving. ]
... Last time, time simply paused. Will didn't even know we were gone. I hope that the same is happening now, but if it isn't...
[ there's a swoop of dread, worry, and the anxiety twists, mixed with a thread of trust and belief, but. strohl bites his lip, for a moment, worrying at the edge of it. ]
... Vi. [ he starts. how to have this conversation? it's important. necessary, but they've not had the chance until now, and as things become more and more likely to succeed, as their plan begins to come to slow fruition, it's been on the back of his mind. so much has happened. where does he even start?
... ] I...ought to warn you that things aren't exactly going well, at home. It's likely we'll be thrown straight from the frying pan into the fire, should all things go accordingly.
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That's what Hulkenberg said. [ slowly. ] She said we'd be going right into a fight, and I said I didn't care.
[ she'll jump right in, she doesn't mind. she'll help. but. accusatory: ]
She also said she lost sight of you.
marks metaphor endgame spoilers for future readers
he opens his mouth to say something. closes it. ]
...Yeah. [ eventually. roughly. she can probably feel it - he is really, really trying to figure out how to say this, faltering. opening his mouth and closing it, really working through it. he wants to tell her. ] I'll be frank, there's - a chance I...
[ however. his memories tell the story for him. ] ]
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they come out of the memory and after she blinks away the fog - the tears forming at the corner of her eyes - she immediately pulls herself up to sit and decks him. whether it's the face or the chest where his stupid noble heart is, it's up to you, but the burst of fury and worry and love is all jumbled into one adrenaline shot. this is! so much worse! than she was expecting! ]
no subject
anyway yeah there's absolutely no fucking way he's dodging that - nor would he really want to. he takes the hit like a tank, half falling back against the edge of the pillow fort with a loud swear, his other hand immediately coming up to his face. his emotions throughout this were complex, pained, complicated, and as he reels back from the hit, they're -
well, kind of understanding. like. that's fair, i deserved that. he can't help himself with running his mouth so he mutters, ] ... Suppose that's one way to put that out into the world.
[ ow.
anyway he knows he's going to get shouted at so he doesn't even stop that either there is ZERO point in arguing about it, so let him have it ]
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You didn't think this was important to tell me before? At any point? [ ANGRY
but also most of it comes from an intense, terrified worry. she worries. she doesn't want to go through all of this just to go back and he's dead. ]
What the fuck, Strohl!
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[ always time, always time. vi was gone so quickly. after their jaunt on the gauntlet runner in simulations, he'd been thinking about it, and wanted to break it to her after the weekends events, only - that weekend, it was vi on the table once again, and everything spiralled from there. vi barely wanted to talk about the idea that she could be leaving with them. on top of that, there were a thousand other things to cover, too. her murder, the issues with rosamund, how afraid she was of being abandoned, it just never came up, even though the latter, he knows, will be made worse here.
he holds up both his hands in surrender even after that anger burst though, because he is apologetic and willing to take all of the heat, especially with the worry that leaks through. ]
Look. I've been thinking - it'll be fine. I don't think I'm going to die.
[ this is a marked change in what he told someone else who saw this same memory a few weeks ago, but - well, he feels a little differently about his noble sacrifices, lately. ]
no subject
they didn't have the time. it's the source of all of her problems, she just doesn't ever have enough time. she has missed so much. he was planning to tell her, but she died, and then she was so sure that she wasn't going to be able to go back with them - she's still not sure. she wants to, but nobody has an answer. nobody has a promise, and really, even then, they can promise all they want but in the end, if it doesn't happen, it'll kill her. so she can't hope. she really shouldn't hope, she shouldn't promise.
god, really, again - it's a good thing magla isn't a problem here because her anxiety is such a problem, her restlessness is just. getting to her. it comes out as something snarled and upset, and she has to take a second to swallow hard and push the burn of tears away again. she's not a crybaby, she won't cry about this. she can't hope, but she can't just let him go, either, so...
so instead, fiercely: ]
Yeah, you're goddamn right. You're not going to die.
[ because she'll be there, and she's not going to let him. ]
no subject
[ in the face of all that emotion - his own are unsteady, too, but he locks onto that phrase. you're not going to die. i'm not going to die. he's got his own uncertainties. there's the fact that basilio and heismay were just as badly wounded. the fact that heismay is so small despite his ability to glide. strohl is not a light and delicate young man. there's the fact that he was plummeting, too, doomed to his death and his noble sacrifice, like his parents before him.
but.
things are changing. he wants to see the future, the world they've fought for. and he wants vi to see it, too. so, he locks onto that steadiness, and catches her eyes.
a pause. plucked thread of tension. and; ]
You've got my back?
no subject
[ this is something she can do. she can't fix anything at home, she can't help her sister, she can't help caitlyn. that entire situation will never work out the way she wants it to. but this - this is concrete. all of this time she's been wrestling with the guilt of being caught in a tight spot, how she couldn't think of something that would save everybody. but here? here. in this memory, she thinks if she was standing there, she could catch him. she could do something about it.
and it's really what makes the decision for her. if she wasn't sure before, she is now.
so - vi takes his hand, and meets his gaze with a certainty she hasn't had before. ]
I've got your back, Leon.
no subject
HANDSHAKE!!
anyway. admittedly, there's a brief bit of hangtime here, a brief - hesitation, a moment where things could go either way. strohl knows what answer he'd like to hear, but with this final, necessary truth set between them, it could go either way. is he not making more promises he could so easily break?
but the answer that comes is so assured and confident that it makes his heart soar. and despite the fact that he got punched just five seconds ago, despite the fact he was face to face with his own death once again, (maybe?) it puts a grin on his face. ]
... Good. [ and he'll take her hand, and squeeze it hard, projecting back that exact same emotional security, that certainty, that warmth, as the anxiety melts to a low simmer. ] Then I'll be fine.
[ it's a leap of faith, in the most literal sense. in the way that vi showed him her back, in the resort, it's strohl falling, falling, falling, and knowing she'll be right there to catch him. some part of him wonders if that'll be strong enough to force that awakening, after all. ]
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so. he takes her hand, squeezes it. and she swallows hard, watching him. there's a future for her where she can stop her family from falling out of her grasp. there's a future where that doesn't have to happen again. there is a future where she sees the thing that drives her the most - the people she loves - get hurt, and she'll be able to help, in a solid, feasible way.
she really might awaken then and there after all. ]
... Still mad at you for not telling me right away, but yeah. You'll be fine.
[ this is not as serious. lightens the mood a little. ]
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[ strohl says, with a sigh, overdramatic as he pulls his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose - there's something so soft and thankful in his emotions, there, too. something proud, something warm, something understanding. together or not at all, all the way to the end. ]
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a beat. ]
I'm gonna have to share you tomorrow, so. Get ready to do some sucking up.
[ mostly teasing, but also like - a little bit of actual worry in there. not a lot. just some. ]