she drags in a sharp, aborted breath, trying to calm down, but she can't quite manage it. there's just a little bit of hyperventilating going on here as she sees him, clinging to his arms and hands with her own shaking ones. normally she'd try so hard to not look fucked up in front of him, but. it's clear that she's scared, that this is just a flashback. it is for both of them. she's so, so terrified that it's going to be like last time, that she's going to wake up and be a body on a table, and it makes it hard to breathe.
and past that, she looks up at him, eyes wet, and there's just the worst sinking feeling. that burst of agony. it makes sense now. she understands now why it hurt so bad, when she saw that random soldier fall.
[ if i had a nickel for every time i was playing a sword guy in a summer game and died in a cyoa and the other person had zero fucking idea who i was i'd have 2 nickels ]
Yes. [ he says - forcefully, firmly, like an anchor to reality. she's panicking and he has to stay calm, and the speed at which he tries to shut down on his own worries is lightning quick, if only because she needs him and he can throw it all away for that. briefly, he's unbelievably thankful it's no longer emotion share. ]
Vi. [ just as firm - his eyes search hers for a second, darting back and forth, but he squeezes her hands where they tremble, holding them tight. ] Breathe. Deep breath.
she drags in a breath, when he asks. holds it, for a second, and then lets it come out slow, with a crumpled, weary sort of sob. she doesn't want to die. god, she doesn't want to be dead, she desperately just wants to have something good for once. we're living, he says. she trusts him. for how long, though?
she's trying her best to breathe, and her thoughts are just a jumble, just you're alive, you're alive. ]
[ and she better stay that way. his heart twists again, anxious, miserable, awful, but he has to keep it to himself, has to, has to.he nods, squeezing her hands. you're alive, you're alive. for now, for now. ]
[ silly strohl, that thought jumble was for your wellbeing.
she follows - she tries. it takes a bit for her to settle, but she does, and when she can breathe, she's just wrung out. on the verge of collapsing again, vi shivers, eyelids heavy, and swoons a little. thank god it is not emotionshare indeed.
a beat, and then slurred: ] I let you die. M'sorry.
[ i cannot tell you how little this bothers him actually he's just like
oh. well ok. he shrugs a little bit - when she swoons, however, he's immediately there to try and catch her, and gently eases her back to the pillows. ]
Good thing I'm not actually dead. [ murmured, with a little humour, though he's so stressed it's hard to be anything but stressed, as he carefully fluffs the pillow behind her, make sure's comfortable. ] Easy, now, lay back down.
[ it's important to her!! it actually bothers her more that he isn't concerned about it, and she protests wordlessly, grabbing at him as he tries to set her back into the pillows. in her thoughts, there's a blurry sequence of a yellow coated man getting fucking shotput thrown into a wall by a very ugly, large creature. the force of splatters the body into gore against the wall. the song in her thoughts gets very, very loud.
she turns instinctively away from strohl and dry heaves over the side of the bed. nothing comes out, but - that's a little too much for her, in this state. ]
I TRULY CANNOT STATE HOW LITTLE THIS BOTHERS HIM he just kind of watches that happen like "yeesh" because unfortunately sometimes that is like, the basic manner of death for many people in your world. being a metaphor really inures you to horrible creatures and visual horror even if it's your own body getting all gore'd.
he is much more concerned about vi, though, and her reaction, because that's upsetting. he barely pays attention to her thoughts, all focus on vi herself, immediately coming up to her side, half hovering. strohl winces as she turns - a hand comes up to between her shoulders careful to avoid any injured spots, and rubbing gently. ]
...sorry. [ as he winces, berating himself internally. poor taste. good job, idiot.
anyway. gentler, this time. ] Look, I'm right here beside you, Vi. Just - whatever that was, it wasn't real, yeah? It wasn't. Don't linger - I know that's harder than anything, but stay here in reality with me.
[ you should be more worried about your own death you big dumb cow
she kind of just flops down against the bed and stays there, letting him rub her back. reality. right. except she doesn't want to be there either, because if she does, she has to think about how she might wake up tonight after everybody fell asleep and she doesn't want that. she's so foggy, she can't hold onto anything.
can't even save you in a fucking fantasy how am i supposed to
[ ughghghg that thought just - his brow furrows harder, frown deepening, and says, a little sharply - ]
Stop. [ not to the words, but to her thoughts. the words are different, he doesn't - he doesn't need the comfort that she's here. well, maybe he does, some, but he's not about to let this go down the same exact spiral of self loathing when they had worked so hard to go in the right direction, when things were finally starting to go right.
it's not mean. just like they've always been - anger and temper that come from compassion, and he's calm, even if he feels like he's going to yartz from the anger and stress. this is purpose, this is conviction, this gives him the chance to do something, even if it's not dealing with the horrible monster that is tomorrow night. ] T
his place specifically does this to harm people - it has nothing to do with you, or I, or anyone. It drags people in to these bloody gauntlets on purpose to make them suffer. I saw Hulkenberg. I saw Will, back in the resort. It's doing it on purpose.
Knew how you were thinking, though, didn't I. [ like yea i am both pot and kettle thank you! i know! but at least i know what your dumb brain is doing! also that was different because she actually died not in a cyoa so clearly its different (its not) ]
I wasn't thinking anything. Can barely hear you over this stupid song. [ her voice is getting raspier the longer she talks but whatever, she has to fight him. ]
[ vi's in too much pain for this kind of thing. he just lurches, internally, at the sound of her voice and shakes his head, because he just - he just doesn't want to argue. he argued with count strohl da haliaetus the night before the humans attacked. the last thing he wants is for things to go wrong, again, and for the last thing they talk about to be a shouting match.
so he just looks at her for a second, and then shakes his head, and gets up - half stalking across the room to get a cup to go fill it with water. his thoughts are a mess, a scribbly bubble of worry and fear and a thousand other things at once - When I forgot someone I tried to kill her-- but he half waves his hand over his head to try and clear the stupid bubble as he comes back and sets the drink down at her bedside, then sets down in a chair, all long limbs, furrowed brow.
all he wants to do is take care of vi, right now; nothing about him or his own thoughts matter even remotely. ] ...Sorry. If I could stop it for you, I would. Suppose I could try to knock you out, but I don't think it'd help.
[ the way they are both convinced she's going to die tonight
she doesn't drink, just yet. there's a scribbly thought above her head that is like - hungry, why the fuck am i so hungry - before she shifts, trying to get comfortable. this is impossble, because the wound on her back is throbbing, and she's covered in burns, but she's trying. ]
I don't want to sleep anyway.
[ she also doesn't want to think at him. that's weird, and all of her brain problems are so much more apparent when she does that. for a moment, she just focuses on breathing properly. ]
Where... where are we going tonight?
[ for curfew. resigned, almost. like she's not terrified of waking up. ]
[ jesus he's just failing on every single fucking count today huh. he opens his mouth, closes it, jitters a little in place and shakes his head. ]
... Sorry. He - came back, while you were passed out. Must've gotten picked up on one of those trips and dropped back in. Her highness said they tried to travel here the day we did and got sent somewhere strange, so it's not out of the question.
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she drags in a sharp, aborted breath, trying to calm down, but she can't quite manage it. there's just a little bit of hyperventilating going on here as she sees him, clinging to his arms and hands with her own shaking ones. normally she'd try so hard to not look fucked up in front of him, but. it's clear that she's scared, that this is just a flashback. it is for both of them. she's so, so terrified that it's going to be like last time, that she's going to wake up and be a body on a table, and it makes it hard to breathe.
and past that, she looks up at him, eyes wet, and there's just the worst sinking feeling. that burst of agony. it makes sense now. she understands now why it hurt so bad, when she saw that random soldier fall.
trembling, she rasps out: ]
We - are we -- we're on the living side?
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Yes. [ he says - forcefully, firmly, like an anchor to reality. she's panicking and he has to stay calm, and the speed at which he tries to shut down on his own worries is lightning quick, if only because she needs him and he can throw it all away for that. briefly, he's unbelievably thankful it's no longer emotion share. ]
Vi. [ just as firm - his eyes search hers for a second, darting back and forth, but he squeezes her hands where they tremble, holding them tight. ] Breathe. Deep breath.
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she drags in a breath, when he asks. holds it, for a second, and then lets it come out slow, with a crumpled, weary sort of sob. she doesn't want to die. god, she doesn't want to be dead, she desperately just wants to have something good for once. we're living, he says. she trusts him. for how long, though?
she's trying her best to breathe, and her thoughts are just a jumble, just you're alive, you're alive. ]
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[ and she better stay that way. his heart twists again, anxious, miserable, awful, but he has to keep it to himself, has to, has to.he nods, squeezing her hands. you're alive, you're alive. for now, for now. ]
In and out. In, and out. Come on.
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she follows - she tries. it takes a bit for her to settle, but she does, and when she can breathe, she's just wrung out. on the verge of collapsing again, vi shivers, eyelids heavy, and swoons a little. thank god it is not emotionshare indeed.
a beat, and then slurred: ] I let you die. M'sorry.
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oh. well ok. he shrugs a little bit - when she swoons, however, he's immediately there to try and catch her, and gently eases her back to the pillows. ]
Good thing I'm not actually dead. [ murmured, with a little humour, though he's so stressed it's hard to be anything but stressed, as he carefully fluffs the pillow behind her, make sure's comfortable. ] Easy, now, lay back down.
cw: emeto
she turns instinctively away from strohl and dry heaves over the side of the bed. nothing comes out, but - that's a little too much for her, in this state. ]
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I TRULY CANNOT STATE HOW LITTLE THIS BOTHERS HIM he just kind of watches that happen like "yeesh" because unfortunately sometimes that is like, the basic manner of death for many people in your world. being a metaphor really inures you to horrible creatures and visual horror even if it's your own body getting all gore'd.
he is much more concerned about vi, though, and her reaction, because that's upsetting. he barely pays attention to her thoughts, all focus on vi herself, immediately coming up to her side, half hovering. strohl winces as she turns - a hand comes up to between her shoulders careful to avoid any injured spots, and rubbing gently. ]
...sorry. [ as he winces, berating himself internally. poor taste. good job, idiot.
anyway. gentler, this time. ] Look, I'm right here beside you, Vi. Just - whatever that was, it wasn't real, yeah? It wasn't. Don't linger - I know that's harder than anything, but stay here in reality with me.
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she kind of just flops down against the bed and stays there, letting him rub her back. reality. right. except she doesn't want to be there either, because if she does, she has to think about how she might wake up tonight after everybody fell asleep and she doesn't want that. she's so foggy, she can't hold onto anything.
can't even save you in a fucking fantasy how am i supposed to
silence, and then, dragging in a shaky breath: ]
M'fine. M'here.
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Stop. [ not to the words, but to her thoughts. the words are different, he doesn't - he doesn't need the comfort that she's here. well, maybe he does, some, but he's not about to let this go down the same exact spiral of self loathing when they had worked so hard to go in the right direction, when things were finally starting to go right.
it's not mean. just like they've always been - anger and temper that come from compassion, and he's calm, even if he feels like he's going to yartz from the anger and stress. this is purpose, this is conviction, this gives him the chance to do something, even if it's not dealing with the horrible monster that is tomorrow night. ] T
his place specifically does this to harm people - it has nothing to do with you, or I, or anyone. It drags people in to these bloody gauntlets on purpose to make them suffer. I saw Hulkenberg. I saw Will, back in the resort. It's doing it on purpose.
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Don't get to scold me when you spent weeks blaming yourself for me dying.
[ she's not too injured to be a BRAT ]
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anyway he sighs. ]
Knew how you were thinking, though, didn't I. [ like yea i am both pot and kettle thank you! i know! but at least i know what your dumb brain is doing! also that was different because she actually died not in a cyoa so clearly its different (its not) ]
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scowls at him from where she's melted. ]
I wasn't thinking anything. Can barely hear you over this stupid song. [ her voice is getting raspier the longer she talks but whatever, she has to fight him. ]
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so he just looks at her for a second, and then shakes his head, and gets up - half stalking across the room to get a cup to go fill it with water. his thoughts are a mess, a scribbly bubble of worry and fear and a thousand other things at once - When I forgot someone I tried to kill her-- but he half waves his hand over his head to try and clear the stupid bubble as he comes back and sets the drink down at her bedside, then sets down in a chair, all long limbs, furrowed brow.
all he wants to do is take care of vi, right now; nothing about him or his own thoughts matter even remotely. ] ...Sorry. If I could stop it for you, I would. Suppose I could try to knock you out, but I don't think it'd help.
Don't talk. Just think, if you can.
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she doesn't drink, just yet. there's a scribbly thought above her head that is like - hungry, why the fuck am i so hungry - before she shifts, trying to get comfortable. this is impossble, because the wound on her back is throbbing, and she's covered in burns, but she's trying. ]
I don't want to sleep anyway.
[ she also doesn't want to think at him. that's weird, and all of her brain problems are so much more apparent when she does that. for a moment, she just focuses on breathing properly. ]
Where... where are we going tonight?
[ for curfew. resigned, almost. like she's not terrified of waking up. ]
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but, the mention just has his expression tighten a little, and he glances away, folding his arms across his chest. don't think. just don't. ]
...Back to the lounge. Boothill'll likely be there, too.
[ injured folk all together. ]
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-- Boothill?
[ a panicked pulse of but i thought we're not dead as she looks up at him. her soup brain. she did not register he was here. ]
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... Sorry. He - came back, while you were passed out. Must've gotten picked up on one of those trips and dropped back in. Her highness said they tried to travel here the day we did and got sent somewhere strange, so it's not out of the question.
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Oh. [ ... ] Okay. I.. yeah. I got mail like that too.
[ a beat. ]
Quit apologizing.
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Just need to watch my mouth, as it were.
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REACHES OVER TO TRY AND PUNCH HIS ARM it's lame and she probably misses ]
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Vi. [ EXASPERATED. ]
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[ a little sharply. ]
You're not doing anything wrong.
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I'm not doing anything. [ christ. he makes a gesture at the water again like come on. ] Humour me.
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she'll reach for it and drink it. slowly, with shaky hands, but she does. ]
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