[ picks up the steering from the cowboy to put the car back on the road. my car now.
silence for a long moment. it's not - it's not judgemental, or mean, and his eyes flick over her face as he tries to find the right words to say, because he gets it, he knows how that feels. ]
Far be it for me to to presume, and forgive me if I overstep. [ first, because he does have excellent manners but also because he knows that he doesn't know the entire story, but he'd listen. something about this tugs at his heartstrings so fiercely, so familiarly. young master leon, you have to let us take care of you, now. he has no family - his burned and burned and burned - so he's never known the feeling of a sibling, but he knows how it means to kill yourself over trying to make things right for something that was out of your control. ] But - she's an adult who makes her own choices, Vi.
[ of all things, he thinks about - of all the things, he thinks about kaworu, and the conversations they've had up to this point of vengeance and loss and justice, and what all of that means. how sometimes, you shy away because you don't want to be fixed. because the hands that help are bitten and that's a lesson someone just has to learn. ]
[ the thing is, under all of this, she doesn't want to go back. she doesn't. she does not want to go back to piltover and never see any of the people she loves here again. she doesn't want to go back and put herself in the politics of her world, she just. cannot bring herself to care about what happens there anymore, not when she's seen what other worlds have to offer. she's been promised so many tours.
but she would do anything for her sister. caitlyn is - not nearly as important to any of this, not after what she did and not after vi's only known her for a couple of weeks, but jinx. powder, her little sister, the only thing that kept her moving in prison, she would throw herself away every single time for a chance for jinx to live and be happy. in the memory he just watched, vi had gone in, ready to fix the problem, to kill her and be done with it, and she couldn't. she hesitated. dead is a solution, but it isn't the one she wanted.
does jinx want help? no. not really. but. vi's not sure that she wants jinx, and that's the biggest problem, right? is she chasing something that isn't there anymore? ]
[ nooo.... there's a desperate swoop in his emotions, pained and empathetic, a need in his own right to help. anxiety, briefly. (and guilt, too, just a little - would it be like this if he'd just succeeded the first time?) but he won't let himself get into it too far. that's a spiral for a different day, and his focus is entirely on vi.
he bites his lip. thinking. ]
... yeah. [ rough. ] Yeah, I can tell. What... [ ... ] What happened, Vi?
you have to give me memshare back soon because i feel bad unleashing all of this on you but this is really just the easiest way to explain it so. seven years ago, everything in her life came crashing down around her ears, in flames.
god. that's - there's a lot, to process, a lot that's way way way too familiar at the beginning. the utter chaos and devastation of her sister's toy bomb, the fire, the rubble and screaming and the monster, one he's fought before, it's a lot. for a second he's in the flames of halia again, but vi's agony is what keeps him in place, nailed to the ground to watch the horrors unfold. it's like a gauntlet runner wreck in slow motion, as each domino falls into place, as corpses hit the grounds and bodies twist and warp, as vi's world falls to pieces in a cacophony of explosions, sounds, and a crying little girl, at the very end.
strohl's emotions are a mess - horror, fury, recognition and pain, something that jolts when the monstrous form of what was vander staggers away from vi with a scream. our fathers would have probably gotten along, he'd joked, and he can't help but think that he was right. admiration and grief for the way that man drags himself away from his attacker despite being out of his mind, away from pain, grabs vi and whisks her to safety as his final act, for a damn good man, for vi's loss, for that visceral, resonant scream more like a feral animal in her grief, and the tragedy of her sister, at the very end.
it rattles him further than the first memory did. that one was familiar. this one's new.
he takes in a breath, as it ends, sharp as he drags himself out of her head, fingers flexing where he's still holding the towel by her face. were it not for the end, he might have been stunned into silence, but by the time vi's form crumples at the side of the building and they're back in this stupid kitchen, his eyes are wet, and he's so shattered watching her life fall to hell that he almost swoops in to hug her again. he doesn't - frozen, for a second, blinking rapidly and then - ]
Vi. [ strohl stumbles over it, roughly, coming back - half cupping her face in his hands. ] Hey - hey. Alright?
[ like. obviously not, neither of them are alright after seeing that, but he knows how easy it is to get sucked into your memories and he holds out his metaphorical hand, trembling even still. ]
[ she says, choking a little on it. jesus. sometimes these things hit and she feels like she's going to pass out from the way it feels to wrench back to reality.
for whatever reason, his reaction rips her up more than anything else. the empathy, the care that he gives her - it's not something she's really gotten. again, just. bare minimum kindness is what breaks her, as usual. he cups her face and she feels miserable. she misses her dad. their dads would have gotten along, noble men, not necessarily by birth but action. vander is who she models herself after, if she could be half as good as him she would be happy. both of them, right, both of them following in footsteps that feel too big for them.
and - she's still so angry at powder trying to help, she told her to stay back, but she didn't, and its her fault. she hurt her and she left her there and vi was a baby, too, she was only fifteen, but she should've known better. shouldn't have hit her sister. shouldn't have called her a jinx.
take care of powder. his last words were a prison sentence all on their own. ]
Sorry.
[ because it's a lot, but because she knows that he came from similar circumstances, and it can't have been fun to watch. she brings a hand up to rest over to top of his, and thinks about apologizing for the fresh batch of tears that spill over, too. ]
[ thankfully, he's used to being hit in the face with his own trauma, and nothing helps him more than being able to help others, than to help vi, to stumble them both forward and out of the fire and flames of the memories. her emotions are huge, but so are his, and he reflects them back to her in a feedback loop, not a perfect repetition, but something close. mirrors of grief and misery and loss. not - he's not angry, but he feels the way she is, feels how it resonates.
what stuck out to him was exactly that. she was a baby. both of them were. children, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have consequences, doesn't leave ripple effects in the lives of these two girls, even now.
he exhales out, slow, gathering his bearings, then shakes his head. keeps his hands on her face, because it's grounding for him too, even though she's crying. she'll see his eyes are a little wet in the intensity of how he looks at her, too, cracked open. ]
Don't apologise. [ barely eked out of his mouth, roughshod. ] 's alright. I'm the one who asked - can't... can't control when that goes off.
[ that's the easiest to get through first, besides the enormity of what he just witnessed, to let the sparks of emotional overload try to settle back down. so's this, the just so of a weak, rueful joke - ] Hate that it was... seven years. Right down to the day. 's starting to get ridiculous.
[ he'll get to the rest in a second. they can have a second to try and settle. ]
[ it's okay, it does make her laugh. it's a hiccupped thing and it sucks, but it's a laugh. ]
I told you. We walked right out of the same fucking storybook. [ ages ago, when he told her about the burning of halia, she almost thought it was funny, in a sick way. to find someone who feels exactly the same way you do, who has been through almost exactly the same things. losing all of your family in one go to the fire, to monsters calling themselves humans, to a revolution that they didn't ask for. but even with all of this, she thinks about how much of a relief that is. she doesn't have to explain herself as much because he understands where she's coming from, she can tell from the loop of the emotions, from the way he looks at her like her memories opened old wounds. thank god. what a horrible relief.
a shivery sigh. come down all the way, it's okay. she slumps into his hands, tired. ]
... I got out of prison, and she was going around calling herself Jinx.
[ so - it's hard not to feel responsible for it, but it's so out of control and he is right. her sister does not want to be helped, not anymore. what jinx wants from vi is something that vi can't grasp. ]
[ there's a little, sort of wet laugh on his end, too - for a moment, he can feel the weight of will's book in the satchel off the back of his sword, like a reminder, but that's for later, anyway. vi's right; it is the same story, in the worst kind of way, but in the better, too. there's a camaraderie there, an awful understanding of grief, crystallised down to its barest form.
he exhales out as she comes down, too, slow and steady, all those live-wire endings starting to melt away, bit by bit. achy little worry blips through his emotions, heavy concern. ]
... Bloody hell. [ not his most eloquent response, but, his response nevertheless. he can see it, how a name like that would stick. how a moment like that never leaves you. and worse, he can see exactly how old that wound is, where vi's guilt dropped like an anchor and started pulling her straight down. ]
[ she exhales slow again, trying to get the tension out of her shoulders. ]
Same amount of time. Seven years. [ she's only been out of prison for like, maybe a month. ] Got arrested like a few minutes after what you just saw.
[ a beat, and she absently reaches for his coat, or - something, just holding onto him somehow. grounding. she's wrestling with the sense of responsibility, with how much she just wants to be free of it, and how much guilt and love is just an intertwined thing for her. ]
[ she can absolutely do that - he leans into her a little, reaches back to turn the heat down on the stove so his food doesn't actually burn to death. ]
[ okay. he takes a second to compose his thoughts, frowning a little to himself as he slips mentally into vi's shoes, into the anguish and hurt he felt as her, let alone to the horrors of the double whammy of memories, themselves, and steps back mentally for a logical position. ]
...That's a long time to make choices, seven years. Long time to be a teenager in a tumult who lost everything, too.
[ ... ]
I can't say I'd not feel the same way you do, were I in your shoes. Mucking up a responsibility because you lost your temper's been the story of my life. But... [ he thinks, for a moment, about rupert yelling at him before he came here. of course you were scared for a second, it was like you lost everything all over again, i bet your friend wouldn't even be mad!
maybe that's what it is, to be the one with the responsibility. you take the mantle on willingly, but it's heavier than you really know, and you don't realise how heavy until you've someone else standing there to help you carry it, and your shoulders start to feel lighter. that's where he is, right now, arms under the ploughshare, ready to lift some of it off. he just has to figure out how to. ]
I know, that's your family. I know, and I hear what your father said. But you don't have to shoulder that responsibility yourself, it's not just on you. She has other friends, other people, likely a whole life lived in those years. And if they've spiralled downwards, trying to pull her out of it might make her resent you even further.
And... it sounded to me like she made up her mind about what she wanted to do long before you called her that, no matter how old she was. If that catastrophe wasn't enough to stop her, Vi, what is going to be? What worse has to happen?
[ what worse has to happen? that's the question, isn't it.
she doesn't know what will happen when she goes back. she doesn't know what to do next. cait wants nothing to do with her, and she doesn't know how to follow jinx any further, and what can she even do to stop the underground from collapsing in on itself? nobody will listen to her. she's not vander. she's not silco. she's essentially a class traitor now, honestly. she took on the uniform and people saw her as an enforcer and she did it because she had to get to jinx by any means possible but. there's no going back now.
drinking, or drinking. pit fighting. it's what she'd said to strohl before.
what else would have to happen to make this work? more destruction?
and maybe life will be better if she isn't there, anyway. maybe a universe where vi doesn't exist is the better one. maybe she can try to do something with a new start, maybe she can go with people who love her without hesitation. people who don't put conditions on it.
there's a lot of grief and guilt swirling around in her, but it's draining. it's getting siphoned out, bit by bit, and she just. leans forward and puts her head on strohl's shoulder, the energy leaving her entirely. ]
[ he says, but it's very quiet - not so much a scolding so much as it is note on her tone to herself, on the self loathing. as she comes forward, he lifts his free hand and sets it at the back of her neck, holding it there, and his emotions ripple fiercely somewhere between protectiveness and love.
strohl's voice takes on that rough tone in its sincerity, laid bare and raw as he takes her emotions of guilt and grief and holds them, the way he holds his own. ]
You were not put on this or any planet solely to suffer for the sake of others' joy, or resolution, or anything like. [ because that just keeps happening, over and over. she wasn't just put down to be a sacrifice in these little games, nor to fix jinx, nor to mess up things worse or make things better for others, all the while tearing up herself. it's hard to see in her because he sees parts of himself in it, and it's really just his time with will that's taught him to be more than the lack of worth he assigns himself.
will saved strohl's life. he was the light in the darkness when he needed it; in another world without him, he wanders euchronia angry and useless. in another world, maybe he's drinking or drinking, too.
maybe, maybe he can repay the favour that will did for him this way. maybe he can help the way his captain did, maybe he can help vi, pull her out of the muck and brush the dirt off her shoulders, lift her face to the sun. it won't be perfect. euchronia sucks, but it's a path forward. ] You deserve far, far better than that.
it's stupid because these are such simple things that she has never heard before, not out loud. they're a little hard to hear, they're a little hard to accept, but the first step to accepting it is to have it be said at all. you are allowed to be a person who has wants and needs. you can maybe start to put yourself for once, you can let go of the past and move forward. maybe vander didn't want this crippling sense of responsibility for her. or maybe he did, she'll never know now. either way, it's a step in the right direction, and you deserve better makes her feel sick to her stomach and hopeful all at the same time.
this is the kind of emotion she wants to drink away, but she can take this instead, for now.
vi swallows hard. and then, finally: ]
I want to. [ ... ] I want to go back with you guys.
Good. I never took back the offer. I was going to drag you if I must.
[ he gets it. god does he get it. he knows how hard those words are. hypocrite that he is, he feels so firmly that he has to carry halia's weight on his shoulders, that his own wants and needs are second - maybe third, even. his people, will's, then perhaps his own.
the hand at the back of her neck squeezes a little, reassuring - she'll feel his own emotions, empathy, pride in her, and...hope when she says it like a spike. hope is a step behind a clear conscience. neither of theirs are ever so clear, but if they can be hopeful for each other, then maybe they can reach clarity, too.
there's something mulling and thoughtful under it, too. ]
And... who knows. [ that strategist's brain, working, bit by bit. ] Perhaps if you go back there, it'll be with backup. I'm sure if anyone could manage, it would be Neuras; I know world to world travel is something those from Heaven are fighting for, too.
[ there's a touch of fondness and "fucking weirdo" in his emotions, briefly. something wry. ] Your sister does deserve a better life, but not at the cost of yours. Maybe a cross-universe kidnapping'd straighten her out a bit.
I make no promises, this time. We'll have to walk the path to get there, first.
[ it does make her feel a little better, to know that he'd look for some sort of solution. there's a part of her that is always going to feel like she's making the wrong decision, there's always a part of her that's going to love her sister and want her to be okay. but she thinks that if she does this, if she goes to euchronia, it's going to be open and shut. she can't rely on the idea that it might still be fixable. either it is, or it isn't, and if she goes with him, with hulkenberg - that is cutting it off. no more.
she leans into the squeeze. sighs out slow. ]
We have to get out first, yeah. [ they have to figure out how to do it. ]
If we're just playing for our original endings, Leon, they're not going to let me go with you.
Well. First of all, the auditors are dead. So there's not anyone enforcing that.
[ he says, half grumbled. ]
Second of all, I have some flexibility. When I returned home, do you know who was not there? Fidelio Magnus. Do you know was apparently revived, courtesy of the game in Heaven? Fidelio Magnus. He was dead, dead and buried. So there are two versions of Euchronia out there. I fail to see why we can't assimilate with Anders' earned ending.
Third of all... [ though he is going on along this train of thought, she'll feel his shoulders slump, and his emotions swoop. guilt. worry. fear. anxiety, twisting in his gut, and a trembling thread of hope. ] Third of all, I won't give up on it, so you don't, either.
[ ... ]
...Did I tell you that I obtained my inheiritance?
[ he slumps, and she shifts to make it easier for him to lean against her, if he wants. wraps her arms around him, just... solid hugs. it's okay. maybe she can't let herself hope, but she wants him to. she wants for them to have something to work for.
she can support, too. ]
-- I can't remember. It's been ages since I've seen you. [ mumbles. ] Did you? What's that mean for you?
[ yeah. he returns the hug, easy, bowing half over. his shoulders are usually straight and proud, but in moments like these, he slouches. the pressure and guilt is heavy, but they're both wrung out.
there's a little pang of something at the ages bit, longing and then a little warmth, relief, because they are together again, and... ] ... It would have been here, not before. It happened not all that long ago. My father left a letter for me in a fireproof box, in the ruins - I went back, with Will. To Halia.
[ even saying the name, there's that maelstrom, grief and hurt, grief, grief, grief. home, his beloved home. standing in the rubble is such a stark, familiar memory even still, and it was will who helped him get through enough to read the letter, to actually walk through the destroyed streets of his childhood. ]
There was a sizeable chunk of money, though that wasn't really what he meant, so much. Moreso the refugees - they're my true inheritance. [ there's a messy mix of his feelings, despite the steadiness of his voice. grief, pride. hurt and worry. sorrow.] There's a handful of them in the capitol, and they were living on the streets - I didn't even know.
[ guilt, again, like a wave, fierce and biting, but he shoves it back down. ] But, after a bit of finagling, I think I've taken care of that much, at least. All that is to say, I bought land. Houses. Quite a few of them.
[ ...
his voice softens, a little. ] There's a deed there with your name on it.
[ he slouches, slumps against her, and she rubs at his back a bit. easy, easy. she's good at hugs, and even in the middle of how bad she feels, there's that urge to comfort him, to give him a place to cushion. she doesn't mind doing it - they're still so similar, because it feels good to give him something back, to help. a trauma for a trauma.
and she listens. hums, at the guilt. ]
You didn't know, but the second you did, you went to bat for them. Don't be an idiot.
[ none of that guilt! he's what a noble should be. someone who took care of his people, instead of just letting them suffer because it was easier.
and - then. at the end of that, that soft little sentence. there's a squeeze of something surprised, and then stunned. and then quiet, quiet warmth, clawing at her heart.
teasing, even though it's so, so clear she's touched: ]
[ it doesn't matter, he will absolutely still be an idiot, and he gives her a little bit of a look from the side, but it's sullen and he lets it go afterward. like yes he should have known.
i could make a joke about her being a uhaul lesbian hes a uhaul male lesbian however what he says instead, is: ]
You're one of my people. [ simple. ] So of course there's one for you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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silence for a long moment. it's not - it's not judgemental, or mean, and his eyes flick over her face as he tries to find the right words to say, because he gets it, he knows how that feels. ]
Far be it for me to to presume, and forgive me if I overstep. [ first, because he does have excellent manners but also because he knows that he doesn't know the entire story, but he'd listen. something about this tugs at his heartstrings so fiercely, so familiarly. young master leon, you have to let us take care of you, now. he has no family - his burned and burned and burned - so he's never known the feeling of a sibling, but he knows how it means to kill yourself over trying to make things right for something that was out of your control. ] But - she's an adult who makes her own choices, Vi.
[ of all things, he thinks about - of all the things, he thinks about kaworu, and the conversations they've had up to this point of vengeance and loss and justice, and what all of that means. how sometimes, you shy away because you don't want to be fixed. because the hands that help are bitten and that's a lesson someone just has to learn. ]
Does she want help? Honestly.
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but she would do anything for her sister. caitlyn is - not nearly as important to any of this, not after what she did and not after vi's only known her for a couple of weeks, but jinx. powder, her little sister, the only thing that kept her moving in prison, she would throw herself away every single time for a chance for jinx to live and be happy. in the memory he just watched, vi had gone in, ready to fix the problem, to kill her and be done with it, and she couldn't. she hesitated. dead is a solution, but it isn't the one she wanted.
does jinx want help? no. not really. but. vi's not sure that she wants jinx, and that's the biggest problem, right? is she chasing something that isn't there anymore? ]
I don't know. So much has changed.
[ her voice breaks a little at the end there. ]
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he bites his lip. thinking. ]
... yeah. [ rough. ] Yeah, I can tell. What... [ ... ] What happened, Vi?
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you have to give me memshare back soon because i feel bad unleashing all of this on you but this is really just the easiest way to explain it so. seven years ago, everything in her life came crashing down around her ears, in flames.
part one
part two
part three
part four ]
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god. that's - there's a lot, to process, a lot that's way way way too familiar at the beginning. the utter chaos and devastation of her sister's toy bomb, the fire, the rubble and screaming and the monster, one he's fought before, it's a lot. for a second he's in the flames of halia again, but vi's agony is what keeps him in place, nailed to the ground to watch the horrors unfold. it's like a gauntlet runner wreck in slow motion, as each domino falls into place, as corpses hit the grounds and bodies twist and warp, as vi's world falls to pieces in a cacophony of explosions, sounds, and a crying little girl, at the very end.
strohl's emotions are a mess - horror, fury, recognition and pain, something that jolts when the monstrous form of what was vander staggers away from vi with a scream. our fathers would have probably gotten along, he'd joked, and he can't help but think that he was right. admiration and grief for the way that man drags himself away from his attacker despite being out of his mind, away from pain, grabs vi and whisks her to safety as his final act, for a damn good man, for vi's loss, for that visceral, resonant scream more like a feral animal in her grief, and the tragedy of her sister, at the very end.
it rattles him further than the first memory did. that one was familiar. this one's new.
he takes in a breath, as it ends, sharp as he drags himself out of her head, fingers flexing where he's still holding the towel by her face. were it not for the end, he might have been stunned into silence, but by the time vi's form crumples at the side of the building and they're back in this stupid kitchen, his eyes are wet, and he's so shattered watching her life fall to hell that he almost swoops in to hug her again. he doesn't - frozen, for a second, blinking rapidly and then - ]
Vi. [ strohl stumbles over it, roughly, coming back - half cupping her face in his hands. ] Hey - hey. Alright?
[ like. obviously not, neither of them are alright after seeing that, but he knows how easy it is to get sucked into your memories and he holds out his metaphorical hand, trembling even still. ]
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[ she says, choking a little on it. jesus. sometimes these things hit and she feels like she's going to pass out from the way it feels to wrench back to reality.
for whatever reason, his reaction rips her up more than anything else. the empathy, the care that he gives her - it's not something she's really gotten. again, just. bare minimum kindness is what breaks her, as usual. he cups her face and she feels miserable. she misses her dad. their dads would have gotten along, noble men, not necessarily by birth but action. vander is who she models herself after, if she could be half as good as him she would be happy. both of them, right, both of them following in footsteps that feel too big for them.
and - she's still so angry at powder trying to help, she told her to stay back, but she didn't, and its her fault. she hurt her and she left her there and vi was a baby, too, she was only fifteen, but she should've known better. shouldn't have hit her sister. shouldn't have called her a jinx.
take care of powder. his last words were a prison sentence all on their own. ]
Sorry.
[ because it's a lot, but because she knows that he came from similar circumstances, and it can't have been fun to watch. she brings a hand up to rest over to top of his, and thinks about apologizing for the fresh batch of tears that spill over, too. ]
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what stuck out to him was exactly that. she was a baby. both of them were. children, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have consequences, doesn't leave ripple effects in the lives of these two girls, even now.
he exhales out, slow, gathering his bearings, then shakes his head. keeps his hands on her face, because it's grounding for him too, even though she's crying. she'll see his eyes are a little wet in the intensity of how he looks at her, too, cracked open. ]
Don't apologise. [ barely eked out of his mouth, roughshod. ] 's alright. I'm the one who asked - can't... can't control when that goes off.
[ that's the easiest to get through first, besides the enormity of what he just witnessed, to let the sparks of emotional overload try to settle back down. so's this, the just so of a weak, rueful joke - ] Hate that it was... seven years. Right down to the day. 's starting to get ridiculous.
[ he'll get to the rest in a second. they can have a second to try and settle. ]
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I told you. We walked right out of the same fucking storybook. [ ages ago, when he told her about the burning of halia, she almost thought it was funny, in a sick way. to find someone who feels exactly the same way you do, who has been through almost exactly the same things. losing all of your family in one go to the fire, to monsters calling themselves humans, to a revolution that they didn't ask for. but even with all of this, she thinks about how much of a relief that is. she doesn't have to explain herself as much because he understands where she's coming from, she can tell from the loop of the emotions, from the way he looks at her like her memories opened old wounds. thank god. what a horrible relief.
a shivery sigh. come down all the way, it's okay. she slumps into his hands, tired. ]
... I got out of prison, and she was going around calling herself Jinx.
[ so - it's hard not to feel responsible for it, but it's so out of control and he is right. her sister does not want to be helped, not anymore. what jinx wants from vi is something that vi can't grasp. ]
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[ there's a little, sort of wet laugh on his end, too - for a moment, he can feel the weight of will's book in the satchel off the back of his sword, like a reminder, but that's for later, anyway. vi's right; it is the same story, in the worst kind of way, but in the better, too. there's a camaraderie there, an awful understanding of grief, crystallised down to its barest form.
he exhales out as she comes down, too, slow and steady, all those live-wire endings starting to melt away, bit by bit. achy little worry blips through his emotions, heavy concern. ]
... Bloody hell. [ not his most eloquent response, but, his response nevertheless. he can see it, how a name like that would stick. how a moment like that never leaves you. and worse, he can see exactly how old that wound is, where vi's guilt dropped like an anchor and started pulling her straight down. ]
That's... how long were you there, again?
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Same amount of time. Seven years. [ she's only been out of prison for like, maybe a month. ] Got arrested like a few minutes after what you just saw.
[ a beat, and she absently reaches for his coat, or - something, just holding onto him somehow. grounding. she's wrestling with the sense of responsibility, with how much she just wants to be free of it, and how much guilt and love is just an intertwined thing for her. ]
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[ she can absolutely do that - he leans into her a little, reaches back to turn the heat down on the stove so his food doesn't actually burn to death. ]
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She was eleven. So... eighteen, now.
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...That's a long time to make choices, seven years. Long time to be a teenager in a tumult who lost everything, too.
[ ... ]
I can't say I'd not feel the same way you do, were I in your shoes. Mucking up a responsibility because you lost your temper's been the story of my life. But... [ he thinks, for a moment, about rupert yelling at him before he came here. of course you were scared for a second, it was like you lost everything all over again, i bet your friend wouldn't even be mad!
maybe that's what it is, to be the one with the responsibility. you take the mantle on willingly, but it's heavier than you really know, and you don't realise how heavy until you've someone else standing there to help you carry it, and your shoulders start to feel lighter. that's where he is, right now, arms under the ploughshare, ready to lift some of it off. he just has to figure out how to. ]
I know, that's your family. I know, and I hear what your father said. But you don't have to shoulder that responsibility yourself, it's not just on you. She has other friends, other people, likely a whole life lived in those years. And if they've spiralled downwards, trying to pull her out of it might make her resent you even further.
And... it sounded to me like she made up her mind about what she wanted to do long before you called her that, no matter how old she was. If that catastrophe wasn't enough to stop her, Vi, what is going to be? What worse has to happen?
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she doesn't know what will happen when she goes back. she doesn't know what to do next. cait wants nothing to do with her, and she doesn't know how to follow jinx any further, and what can she even do to stop the underground from collapsing in on itself? nobody will listen to her. she's not vander. she's not silco. she's essentially a class traitor now, honestly. she took on the uniform and people saw her as an enforcer and she did it because she had to get to jinx by any means possible but. there's no going back now.
drinking, or drinking. pit fighting. it's what she'd said to strohl before.
what else would have to happen to make this work? more destruction?
and maybe life will be better if she isn't there, anyway. maybe a universe where vi doesn't exist is the better one. maybe she can try to do something with a new start, maybe she can go with people who love her without hesitation. people who don't put conditions on it.
there's a lot of grief and guilt swirling around in her, but it's draining. it's getting siphoned out, bit by bit, and she just. leans forward and puts her head on strohl's shoulder, the energy leaving her entirely. ]
Maybe it's better I'm not there.
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[ he says, but it's very quiet - not so much a scolding so much as it is note on her tone to herself, on the self loathing. as she comes forward, he lifts his free hand and sets it at the back of her neck, holding it there, and his emotions ripple fiercely somewhere between protectiveness and love.
strohl's voice takes on that rough tone in its sincerity, laid bare and raw as he takes her emotions of guilt and grief and holds them, the way he holds his own. ]
You were not put on this or any planet solely to suffer for the sake of others' joy, or resolution, or anything like. [ because that just keeps happening, over and over. she wasn't just put down to be a sacrifice in these little games, nor to fix jinx, nor to mess up things worse or make things better for others, all the while tearing up herself. it's hard to see in her because he sees parts of himself in it, and it's really just his time with will that's taught him to be more than the lack of worth he assigns himself.
will saved strohl's life. he was the light in the darkness when he needed it; in another world without him, he wanders euchronia angry and useless. in another world, maybe he's drinking or drinking, too.
maybe, maybe he can repay the favour that will did for him this way. maybe he can help the way his captain did, maybe he can help vi, pull her out of the muck and brush the dirt off her shoulders, lift her face to the sun. it won't be perfect. euchronia sucks, but it's a path forward. ] You deserve far, far better than that.
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it's stupid because these are such simple things that she has never heard before, not out loud. they're a little hard to hear, they're a little hard to accept, but the first step to accepting it is to have it be said at all. you are allowed to be a person who has wants and needs. you can maybe start to put yourself for once, you can let go of the past and move forward. maybe vander didn't want this crippling sense of responsibility for her. or maybe he did, she'll never know now. either way, it's a step in the right direction, and you deserve better makes her feel sick to her stomach and hopeful all at the same time.
this is the kind of emotion she wants to drink away, but she can take this instead, for now.
vi swallows hard. and then, finally: ]
I want to. [ ... ] I want to go back with you guys.
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[ he gets it. god does he get it. he knows how hard those words are. hypocrite that he is, he feels so firmly that he has to carry halia's weight on his shoulders, that his own wants and needs are second - maybe third, even. his people, will's, then perhaps his own.
the hand at the back of her neck squeezes a little, reassuring - she'll feel his own emotions, empathy, pride in her, and...hope when she says it like a spike. hope is a step behind a clear conscience. neither of theirs are ever so clear, but if they can be hopeful for each other, then maybe they can reach clarity, too.
there's something mulling and thoughtful under it, too. ]
And... who knows. [ that strategist's brain, working, bit by bit. ] Perhaps if you go back there, it'll be with backup. I'm sure if anyone could manage, it would be Neuras; I know world to world travel is something those from Heaven are fighting for, too.
[ there's a touch of fondness and "fucking weirdo" in his emotions, briefly. something wry. ] Your sister does deserve a better life, but not at the cost of yours. Maybe a cross-universe kidnapping'd straighten her out a bit.
I make no promises, this time. We'll have to walk the path to get there, first.
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she leans into the squeeze. sighs out slow. ]
We have to get out first, yeah. [ they have to figure out how to do it. ]
If we're just playing for our original endings, Leon, they're not going to let me go with you.
[ tired, horrible misery. ]
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[ he says, half grumbled. ]
Second of all, I have some flexibility. When I returned home, do you know who was not there? Fidelio Magnus. Do you know was apparently revived, courtesy of the game in Heaven? Fidelio Magnus. He was dead, dead and buried. So there are two versions of Euchronia out there. I fail to see why we can't assimilate with Anders' earned ending.
Third of all... [ though he is going on along this train of thought, she'll feel his shoulders slump, and his emotions swoop. guilt. worry. fear. anxiety, twisting in his gut, and a trembling thread of hope. ] Third of all, I won't give up on it, so you don't, either.
[ ... ]
...Did I tell you that I obtained my inheiritance?
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she can support, too. ]
-- I can't remember. It's been ages since I've seen you. [ mumbles. ] Did you? What's that mean for you?
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there's a little pang of something at the ages bit, longing and then a little warmth, relief, because they are together again, and... ] ... It would have been here, not before. It happened not all that long ago. My father left a letter for me in a fireproof box, in the ruins - I went back, with Will. To Halia.
[ even saying the name, there's that maelstrom, grief and hurt, grief, grief, grief. home, his beloved home. standing in the rubble is such a stark, familiar memory even still, and it was will who helped him get through enough to read the letter, to actually walk through the destroyed streets of his childhood. ]
There was a sizeable chunk of money, though that wasn't really what he meant, so much. Moreso the refugees - they're my true inheritance. [ there's a messy mix of his feelings, despite the steadiness of his voice. grief, pride. hurt and worry. sorrow.] There's a handful of them in the capitol, and they were living on the streets - I didn't even know.
[ guilt, again, like a wave, fierce and biting, but he shoves it back down. ] But, after a bit of finagling, I think I've taken care of that much, at least. All that is to say, I bought land. Houses. Quite a few of them.
[ ...
his voice softens, a little. ] There's a deed there with your name on it.
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and she listens. hums, at the guilt. ]
You didn't know, but the second you did, you went to bat for them. Don't be an idiot.
[ none of that guilt! he's what a noble should be. someone who took care of his people, instead of just letting them suffer because it was easier.
and - then. at the end of that, that soft little sentence. there's a squeeze of something surprised, and then stunned. and then quiet, quiet warmth, clawing at her heart.
teasing, even though it's so, so clear she's touched: ]
Moving me in already? Little fast, isn't it?
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i could make a joke about her being a uhaul lesbian hes a uhaul male lesbian however what he says instead, is: ]
You're one of my people. [ simple. ] So of course there's one for you.
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but also, she doesn't know what to say to this and it really kicks her ass. quietly, she shifts her grip, clinging a little more tightly. and then: ]
You keep saying shit like that and you're really not going to be able to scrub me out.
[ not that she wants him to. he hasn't let her push him away. ]
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Amazing! It's almost like I'm not trying to.
[ idiot. his emotions are so fond, though, even as he says it. he shifts a little, finally, enough to glance back at the pot from before. ]
We ought to eat. Come on.
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